12 May 2015

Poem: I Want You to See Me As Wild

1 Comment thoughts

I want you to always see me as wild.

 

images-1I want to always be the girl you fell in love with.

The one who says yes to karaoke at midnight

and dances naked in the moonlight in the backyard

and daydreams adventures over coffee.

I want to always wow you with my confidence and drive,

and live in the fiery fierceness of me you seem to crave.

 

But I am not always that girl.

There are days the fires consume me

and I am pulled under

and suffocated by their smoke.

I retreat to the depths within me to escape,

leaving you behind to wonder which tunnel I’ve crawled down this time.

To be honest, I’m not sure that even I know how deep that darkness goes,

only that sometimes I get lost in the twists and turns.

 

These caverns are not of my own creation.

They’re the legacy of a lifetime of digging done by others

who didn’t know how sharp their tools were.

Greedy others who plumbed the depths of me out of their own curiosity,

looking for gems to put in their pockets,

taking what they wanted

and leaving me to clean up the rest.

Sometimes landslides trapped me in those caves for weeks.

But I always found my way out.

 

Know that when you see me now,11386256-man-standing-in-front-of-a-cave-entrance

dancing and wild and laughing,

it was a hard-fought journey back to here.

I may never get all the dirt out from under my fingernails,

and I wear the scars of those many climbs on my skin.

I know these heights because of the depths I’ve been to.

I can only fully appreciate these moments in the sun

because of how far into the dark I’ve gone.

 

I want you to see me as wild and free,

but I will not always be that girl.

I will get scared.

I will cry and scream in anguish.

I will push in you away—hard.

I will cling to you like a terrified child.

I will insist I can do it on my own

while secretly hoping you’re still going to be there,

no matter how hard I push.

 

I can do this on my own,

but I don’t want to.

 

Sometimes I will have to retreat into darkness alone and find my own way out.

I hope to always find you standing at the entrance when I return,

welcoming me back out into the light.

 

I promise I will always come back.

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One Response to “Poem: I Want You to See Me As Wild”

  1. Ben says:

    The decision to continue
    in shameless joy,
    riding the crest
    of each new wave,

    with gratefulness
    strong as the tide–

    The fear of the depths
    beneath your feet,

    the sting of salt water
    on your tongue
    as you repeat,
    Do Not Look Down.

    You’ll never rinse it
    from your hair,
    nor pull your roots
    from their source-

    But drink and thrive,
    for salty waters
    bear forth the beauty
    of the ocean.